I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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