I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize