you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
