My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
