Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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