Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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