how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
