OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
