Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
