the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
