You're so nebulous sometimes
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
