Me. At least after what I've been through.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
