Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize