had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
