I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
