the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
