I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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