can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
false alarm, still single
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
