oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
