i barfeds in our rink
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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