I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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