Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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