We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
