I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
