eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
