At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
