So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
