Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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