You can't special order awesome
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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