Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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