then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
