I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
