can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
