people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
