I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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