I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
