The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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