My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
