his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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