Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
