Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize