I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
