R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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