The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
