so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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