i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I love you. Go after that dick
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
