i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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