My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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