I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
