Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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