Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
