I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
