Banned from zoo.
Again?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize