God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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