I think im going to throw up on grandma
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
