drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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